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Home is not always where the heart is

When I was growing up in Canada, I kept thinking of the Middle East. I remembered the long football games, the daily dinners out, the friends, the cricket games, the life I used to live. I wasn’t home sick, I just dreamed of the place like it was a lost eden- a place to go back to and live in again.

Then I got here. And then, I was homesick for Canada. A real sickening kind of homesick. I remembered the cold nights, the sessions with friends, the hanging around, the Mariokart games, the walks in the forests, the backyards, the boys and the girls, the mom and pop shops, the lifestyle, the love, the good times had and planned.

Then I went back in October- just to visit. And something didn’t sit right. It didn’t feel the same. I had no illusions when I did go back. I knew most of my friends would not be there, I knew their houses had been moved into by others a long time ago, I knew times chance.

But something else had changed too. Me. I had changed. My mindset had changed. I had moved on. Suddenly, the long walks seemed arduous. The bus rides peasantry. The homely lifestyles too backward. The cookie cutter homes too neat and clean. The paved streets far too empty. It just wasn’t me anymore.

My brother is having trouble settling in there and now that I have had time to reflect on it, I think I get it. Sometimes, you dream of a place and know that you love it, but when you go back, you realize that it no longer represents you.

Mind you, this place where I live now does not represent me either. Not yet anyway. But it is home. I may not like it everyday, but this is home. Home is not where the heart is, that is a lie. Its where the heart feels most comfortable- and that, is a shifting bed of sand.

01:48 am: uzairm9 notes
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Home is everything.

The following dialog is taken from the movie ‘Munich’. Ali is an Arab agent from Amman, staying in Athens for a few days. Avner is an Israeli Mossad assassin, but in this scene is posing as a German ‘Red’ operative, so as not to let Ali know that he is an Israeli. The year is 1974.


Ali: Eventually the Arab states will rise against Israel– they don’t like the Palestinians, but they hate the Jews more. It won’t be like 1967, the rest of the world will see by then what the Israelis do to us, and they won’t help when Egypt and Syria attack. Even Jordan. Israel will cease to exist.

Avner: I guess. Only…

Ali: What?

Avner: This is a dream. You can’t take back a country you never had.

Ali: You sound like a Jew

Avner: (smiling) Fuck you. I’m the voice inside your head, telling you what you know is true. Your people have nothing to bargain with. You’ll never get the land back. You’ll all die, old men in refugee camps, waiting for ‘Palestine’.

Ali: (shrugs) We have a lot of children, they’ll have children, so we can wait forever, and, and… if we need to, we make the whole planet unsafe for Jews.

Avner: You kill Jews, and the world feels bad for them, and thinks you’re animals.

Ali: Yeah, but then the world will see how they’ve made us into animals. They’ll start to ask question about the conditions in our cages.

Avner: You’re Arabs. There are a lot of places for Arabs.

Ali: You’re a Jew sympathizer. All you Germans are soft on Israel, you give us money but you feel guilty about Hitler, and the Jews exploit your guilt. My father didn’t gas any Jews.

Avner: Tell me something, Ali.

Ali: What?

Avner: You really miss your father’s olive trees? The crappy village he came from? You honestly think you have to get back all that… nothing, chalky soil and stone huts? That’s what you want for your kids?

Ali: (looks directly  into Avner’s eyes) It is. It abolutely is. It’ll take a hundred years, but we’ll win. How long did it take the Jews to get their own country? How long did it take the Germans to make Germany?

Avner: And look how well that worked out.

Ali: You don’t know what it is not to have a home. That’s why you European Reds don’t get it. You say it’s nothing, but you have a home to come back to. ETA, ANC, IRA, PLO- we all pretend we care about your “international revolution”. But we don’t care. We want to be nations. Home is everything.

01:53 am: uzairm
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Until It Hurts: A Love Letter to Pakistan

— This post was penned by Rabia Ahmed and was originally posted at Acumen Fund Blog. (via Running with Scissors)

A few hours ago, I found my father sitting at the dinner table, counting. When I asked, what he was counting, he mutedly replied “Bete, during this week, 63 years ago, my family crossed the border to Pakistan.” I had heard this story hundreds of times before, from my grandmother, my uncle, but usually from my dad. It was a journey etched into his mind, into his bones. It was the story of eating neem plants and walking – lots of walking- along a path to the new world, leaving everything behind for hopes of a peaceful tomorrow.

Years later, my siblings and I enjoyed the humid, sunny, summers in Pakistan. We’d run through the mango groves on a family farm and sip sugar cane juice in the market. We’d play hide and seek in my grandfather’s roof garden and host pretend doll weddings with my cousins. It was a fairy-tale land, a land which welcomed us with open arms whenever we visited. It was truly blissful.

Nevertheless, each year things changed in Pakistan. The cars looked a little different, the music became more rock and roll and the air became more polluted. The only constant which remained was the home of my grandfather on the outskirts of  Lahore. With its white washed walls, and lattice door frames, it remained mostly how we left it the year before. The home was five stories high, grand in a modest town, and built around a central open veranda with multiple bedrooms on each floor. My grandfather had a modern above-ground latrine and air conditioner installed so that his grandchildren were not deprived of their essentials. And every summer, without fail, we’d anticipate the monsoons. They’d come in, hastily from no one direction and with quick winds, gusts of water rushed down on us with a certain sense of urgency, and we – well, we’d dance. You’d hear us shrieking and giggling in the same breath because there was no warning, no sign of the hammering waters; just the sudden opening of the skies. It was an idyllic time and we were constantly told to appreciate the rain because it was such a blessing.

But this year, the blessing has turned into a curse, a real test of spirit.

As I sit here some 7,000 miles away from my old summer home, I can’t help but weep for a nation under water. Just the thought of one in five Pakistanis without a home, without a livelihood and without any imminent hope, is simply unbearable.

We’ve read the stories: the tale of a father who tied his son to a tree; of the mother who gave birth to twins in the middle of the storm; of the family who sat by and watched their cow- their livelihood- weaken and eventually pass on. And we’ve seen the staggering statistics – 20 million Pakistanis affected, that’s more than New York State. That’s more than Haiti and Katrina combined. More than Haiti and Katrina combined. Even as I write these words, I’m speechless.

After all, Pakistan is a country divided. It attempts to be modern but is shot at by those clinging to the past. It’s a place where history repeats itself without enough time passing to learn from it. A place where culture and religion constantly fight each other. It’s a place which terrorists now call home and is also a nuclear state. It’s a country that’s lost itself, to itself, by itself.

But it is a country that is loved by so many that summered there; whose parents and grandparents fought to set up homes there, by those who decided to dedicate their lives to helping it reach its potential. Through this catastrophe, Pakistani-Americans are crying for their fellow Pakistanis back home. They’re taking action by running fundraising drives, and putting together media packs and collecting necessary items. They’re keeping one another abreast of activities from the field and are urging all, each and every person they know, to take action, NOW. It’s not just the feeding and immunizing which needs to be done now, but the rebuilding and revitalizing which needs to happen for years to come. It’s in a state of despair, of helplessness, for a people so resilient, so open-hearted, kind and gentle who have never asked for anything, but dignity,

There are people to thank, like Fiza Shah, CEO of Developments in Literacy, who builds schools in remote and hard to reach areas of Pakistan and  Jacqueline Novogratz, CEO of Acumen Fund who still sees the potential, the hope in Pakistan’s people, a single person who leads an organization that invests in the future of a nation. These two women continue to believe in Pakistan, through the heartfelt moments and harrowing sorrows.

So today, I beg, and urge you all to do the same, or at least to take a step. It’s impossible to imagine the devastation from this far away. Soon enough some other news sensation will take over and most of us will forget the little teary-eyed girl or a mother without milk for her twins. We’ll forget that although they didn’t have much to begin with, whatever they once could call their own has been washed away. Their lives are once again a blank slate. What reality once was is now but a dream wrapped in a nightmare. So please, pick up your check book, or log into your paypal account. Buy some medicines or donate some food.

In this time of pain, hurt and suffering, I remember a quote I once read by  Mother Teresa: “The paradox of life is if you love until it hurts, then there is no more hurt, only love.” And Pakistan, we love you and we’re hurting for you and that is what I wish for my fellow Pakistanis, only love.

Rabia Ahmed is the Co-Chair of  New York for Acumen and the Associate Director of MBA Admissions at the  NYU Stern School of Business. To find out how you can help, please read this recent post which names a few organizations working in Pakistan that we trust and who need your support. Please also show your support and stand with Pakistan by adding your name in solidarity to http://www.ontheground.pk.

06:33 am: uzairm
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